Planting Seeds

We recently sold our family home that we had lived in for over 10 years. Although we were very grateful to sell it, there was a sense of loss because it was such a wonderful, nurturing place for our family for the last decade. The couple we bought the home from had lovingly built and lived in the home themselves for about 20 years before. Every spring in our backyard, the entire border was filled with beautiful, mature, rhododendrons of several colors. Over the years the branches had intertwined together so that the bushes appeared to have multi-colored blooms all over them. A few months later, the blueberry bushes would yield so many berries that I grew tired of picking buckets full every other day. Around the corner we had healthy raspberry bushes too. One cool summer evening I remember sitting and enjoying the loveliness all around me when I realized that most of the beauty and fruit around me was due to someone else's efforts. The former owners had carefully landscaped and cared for these mature plants that I loved and admired so much. I'm sure they planted them for their own enjoyment, but I received the benefit of that!

I've thought about that realization quite a bit in the last few months. My husband and I are nearing the end of our current work assignment. We are searching and waiting to find out what's next for our family. Transitions like this invite self examination. What seeds have I planted or helped nurture that the people coming behind us will enjoy? I can feel the selfish tug of wanting to put my name on things I leave behind so people will know how I contributed! But deeper still I can feel God pulling on me to release everything to Him. Just as a seed has to die and become broken inside of the ground to bear fruit, this process is inviting me to a deep surrender. Perhaps some of the best things I have planted are mainly for other people to enjoy who I may never meet. They may never know who I am.

At first I could physically feel the YANK inside my heart as I entertained this thought. Now I feel a flutter of excitement because I realize that I am releasing my seed into the wind of God's spirit. He can take it wherever He wants and do so much more with it than I ever can or could! This process isn't perfect in me. I still struggle to stay in that place of yieldedness. But as I land there I realize that God has been breaking me to make me willing to let Him blow on me and my family and send us wherever He wishes. While that would have been unthinkable only a short while ago, now we are excited and expectant for what lies ahead. Wherever it is, and for how long or short it may be, I'm sure there's going to be good fruit!

Heavenly Punctuation

I have a confession to make. I am a spelling/punctuation geek. I cringe whenever I encounter typos in church bulletins, or business signs. When I was in high school, I even attended a punctuation competition. (Yes, they have those!) In this illustrious contest, each entrant was handed a brief, typed essay that was filled with various punctuation and spelling errors. The focus was to find as many errors as possible in 1 hour's time. I wound up coming in second place for my age bracket.

Well, I'm grown up now, and I'm a bit rusty on my punctuation skills, but I still am an avid supporter of correct grammar. Consider the power of the comma. Alone, it's a simple, slender punctuation mark that looks alot like an eyelash. But when it's used properly, it can make even the strongest of men pause for reflection.

Lynn Truss, author of a famous punctuation textbook, humorously illustrates this point with the following two sentences: 1.The chinese panda eats shoots and leaves. 2. The chinese panda eats, shoots, and leaves. While the first sentence describes the panda as an herbivore, the second sentence depicts the panda as a heartless killer! This is all because of a little inserted comma in the second sentence!

Without punctuation it's often easy to misunderstand a message or race through a reading too fast. A comma says, "Hey, pause a minute! There's something here worth looking at a bit closer." It sets a rhythm and slows down the pace.

Sometimes there are punctuation points in life. I recently hit some in my own. I'm a busy wife and mother of four children. It's easy for me to pick up speed in life and keep blazing through one day after another. Then I got word that my mother had ovarian cancer. I felt like the rest of the world kept whirring around me, but my life skidded down to extreme slow motion. It felt like a big period had been added to a section of my life story. Something came to a screeching halt. I asked God all the "why" questions, and walked through several days feeling like a zombie. Then I started to feel a shift.

As my family joined together in faith to believe for my Mom's recovery, I began to see this chapter could still be a good one. Things weren't ending--they were just slowing down. I found a real beauty in that. As I made the trip to see my Mom, we spent a lot of time simply visiting. She laid on the couch as we laughed and shared at a level we hadn't in a long time. Normally we would have felt like we should be doing something. This necessary pause, due to her illness, helped us focus on the most important thing of all--family.

The late comedienne, Gracie Allen said, "Never put a period where God only placed a comma." While my Mom's diagnosis felt like the end of the world, it has turned out to be a meaningful pause for my family. Each day is filled with purpose and very little is taken for granted. The chirping of the birds, the sun streaming through the window, the kind gestures of a concerned neighbor, finding a beautiful wig to wear during chemo treatments--all of these stand out at a time like this. The rhythm of life's dance has changed to a more intimate, slow pace.

On my own, I don't know how much I would learn from life. I think I would just blaze right through it. As I look over my life thus far, I find that most of my lessons come at times like these when a comma is inserted in my life. In this period of reflection and pause, God offers wisdom and insight that help equip me for things down the road. And I realize just how full and blessed my life really is.

Here comes the Bride

My second oldest daughter, Abby, is getting married in August! Our family couldn't be happier. Her fiance, Jeremy, is a wonderful young man and a great match for her. Recently Abby set out to find her wedding dress. Even though a wedding dress is just a piece of clothing, there are entire magazines, television programs and books written to help you choose just the right one for "the big day." The process can feel overwhelming. But Abby was up for the challenge. She knew the kind of dress she wanted and she went on-line and found that another young woman was selling this very dress (never been worn) for a quarter of the retail price. The dress was two hours away in Portland, so we hopped in the car to go and see the dress and try it on! The dress fit Abby perfectly. Even though she quickly tied her hair up to put the veil on, and still had her jeans on underneath the dress, she looked radiant. But just in case her fiance reads this blog I shouldn't go into anymore detail other than to tell you that the dress is beautiful and white:)

All this wedding stuff has me musing about the rich spiritual symbolism that lies within the subject of marriage itself. In the Bible, the church is called the Bride of Christ. I am not a theologian, but I can tell you that must mean the church is pretty important to God. But church is such a loaded topic today, isn't it? So many wonderful people I meet have either been hurt by the church and aren't going anymore, or else they are bored by much of the traditional ways of "doing church". I've often fallen into the latter category the last few years. In my boredom, my tendency has been to become the Roger Ebert of church services. Each service either gets a thumbs up or a thumbs down depending on my critique. One day when I was mentally filing through my list of criticisms for the church, I believe God gave me a daydream.

In this daydream, I was in a surgery room. On the table was a young woman who needed surgery. I was handed the scalpel and rather than strategically cutting where surgery was needed, I started slashing and cutting away with little regard for the patient.

Right away I knew I'd been busted. By this simple picture God showed me that I had been mercilessly cutting down the church. My sharp critique carried no regard for the health of the church.

It's easy to get lost in criticism for the church, but the bottom line is this. God loves her! In layman's terms, the church is Jesus' girlfriend. He loves to be in her presence. Somehow by seeing the church as a woman in my daydream, it helped me realize in a deeper way that the church isn't an institution--and really, that's the part I'm bored with. It's people. But it's people connected together because of Jesus' sacrificial love and forgiveness.

In Matthew 18:20 it says, "For where two or three are gathered together in My name, there I am in their midst." It's one thing to worship God in our alone time, but something dynamic happens when we gather together with other believers and worship. I think God comes running to meet with us because we start to resemble the Bride!

Sure. There are lots of improvements the church needs to make, but according to the Bible, the church's best days are still ahead. Ephesians 5:27 says that when God comes back for Her, that She will be spotless and perfect. Wow. That's something I want to be a part of!

When I was a kid we sang silly words to the traditional wedding march song. I'm sure you've heard it--"Here comes the bride, big, fat, and wide. . ." Even though that version of the song isn't meant to flatter the bride or the groom, I now see the words of that first line as a statement of faith depicting the Church when she is perfected. Not weak, not sick, but hearty and full of life! I'm not sure exactly how that will happen or what it will look like, but I think I got a small snapshot of it when I saw my daughter in her wedding dress--it will be beautiful and it will be white:)

Expectantly Waiting. . .

I'm going to be a grandma for the first time! I'm so excited I could wet my pants--which is easier for me to do these days than you might think. My daughter just finished her first trimester and is feeling better and starting to show a cute little "bump" where my precious grandchild happily and safely resides for the time being. Next week she and her husband have an ultrasound to check on the baby's health, but also to see if they can tell whether it's a boy or a girl. That is why I am writing this blog now. I don't know whether this sweet bundle of life is a boy or a girl. I don't know his or her name, I don't know what color of hair he/she will have or whether her/his eyes will be blue or green, but I can tell you I am madly in love with that baby already!

According to pregnancy.com, my precious grandbaby is currently only about 4 inches long--about the size of an apple. His or her eyelids are still fused shut. Weeks ago I saw very early sonograms of the baby--at that point the pictures looked like a pinto bean with two spindly legs dangling. On the very end of each leg were 5 tiny dots--precious toes! My heart leapt at how precious that little pinto bean baby was!

As I watch my beautiful daughter's tummy grow rounder, I am so grateful that I get to see my baby have a baby. My heart is thrilled that the loving marriage she has is literally bearing fruit. I'm excited to see how her child will look. Will he/she have her daddy's curly hair? Will she/he have her mother's blue eyes?

As I pondered the incredible love I already have for my grandchild, my thoughts naturally turned to the depth of God's love for me. He knew me before I was even conceived in my mother's womb! When he looks at my spiritual life and sees the parts of me where I am still growing, he doesn't reject me because of my immaturity! He is delighted at the prospect of the new life within me and He knows what the meager beginnings are going to become inside of me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my love for my grandbaby has given me a greater patience with my own shortcomings. Although I am excited for my grandbaby's birth, I am very willing to wait the 9 months because I want a healthy baby. There is right time for things to be born. But I wait in hope, and I know that each new day brings new growth inside my daughter's womb. As I wait for this blessed event--coming the end of May--I am desiring to do some growing of my own. I hope that I can look at each day of my life as an opportunity for maturing and know that the things God has put inside of me will come forth. There's just a timing for them. For these things I am learning to wait with hope.

Bearing the Fruit of God's Promises

I love Christmastime. I even like most everything about the hustle and bustle of the season. But what I love most is pondering the story of Christmas. It seems like every year there is a different aspect of Jesus' birth that stands out to me.

Last night my daughter and I were watching The Nativity Story on DVD. As I watched it this time, I was impacted by Mary and Joseph's willing hearts to do whatever God asked of them. Often I have focused on what an honor it would have been to be chosen by God to bear His Son. But this time the thing that stood out was the heaviness and cost of that task. Mary was a virgin promised to marry. As her belly grew big and round with the life inside of her, those around her most likely judged her character in a negative way, figuring that she had broken her vow to be chaste until marriage. Even her parents must have wondered if she was spinning a story about carrying the Son of God! Such a thing was never heard of before. I'm sure Mary herself often wondered what was happening to her.

Joseph obeyed God through the message in a dream and took Mary as his wife, even though the baby she carried was not his. In doing so, his character was probably also judged in a negative manner. People could have assumed that he had broken his vows to remain pure until marriage, or perhaps he was covering up for a sinful fiance'. Yet he bore this burden for God's sake. Even after Jesus was born, I am sure Mary and Joseph had little idea how this "Son of God" thing was going to unfold. They could only raise him as they would any son--day by day. Every other direction would have to come from God in His time.

I desire to be used powerfully by God--to be chosen by him to bear great fruit for His kingdom. What I often fail to recognize is the incredible cost there might be in that assignment. There could be negative judgments from others about the credibility of what I carry inside of me. I may have to navigate through seasons of self doubt as well. Can I really believe that God has spoken to me even when it costs me a great deal? Even as some of these promises are born, can I walk through the process of trusting God to show me how to steward the fruit He gives to me?

The Christmas story assures me that God looks compassionately on my human frailty. He went out of His way to reveal Himself to all mankind in a way they could understand--whether they were blue collar shepherds or upper class wise men. All He asked for was obedience--to follow Him at His word. So, in light of that revelation, my prayer this Christmas season is that my heart will respond as Mary's did--"Be it done to me according to Your Word."

Hiddenness

It's so easy to get preconceived ideas--especially when it comes to thinking I know how God is going to work in my life. For the last year, I've sensed that change was coming down the pike. I even blogged about it. (see my post entitled "Waiting"). I knew it was the birth of something new, and I was excited to see it's arrival.

Change has come, but not exactly in the form I expected. There's change on EVERY side of my life. With this change there has had to come a releasing of the old. Funny, in my visions of this new birth, I never factored in having to give up too much. I just figured I'd add this new thing into everything else! But that's not even how real births happen. With every birth, there is a letting go. The mother's body surrenders to the needs of the growing baby; parents give up their right to sleep as late as they want. Life is now centered around growing and providing for a new little life.

So it is with the changes happening with me. Although there is much change AROUND me, I'm finding that the main changes God wants me to focus on are the changes He wants to do WITHIN me. There's a radical level of surrender God is asking that reveals the hidden places of selfishness I have inside of me. Places where I have propped myself up by titles, or accomplishments etc. Instead of this, I've been thrust into a place of seeming hiddenness where I feel I'm regularly a failure.

Strangely, however, the more I am in this place, the more liberating it feels. I have a deeper realization that my value to God remains regardless of my level of performance. I am learning that some of God's best work is done in secret. So I remain in this transitional state and trust that whatever God is up to is good. My job is simply to align myself with Him and let go of those preconceived ideas. . .

Cheering in the Middle

Two years ago I woke up early on the 4th of July in order to be waiting at the finish line of a 10K run my college-age daughter was running in. The celebratory atmosphere, and the excitement as people crossed the finish line made me vow to be a participant the next time. I'm not in good enough shape to run a 10K so I signed up to walk the 4.5 mile "Mayor's Fitness Walk". It's the same route as the run, but it eliminates a 2 mile hill that the runners must conquer. I talked most of my family into walking it with me.

The morning of the 4th, the starting line was absolutely electric. It was a beautiful summer's morning and the weather was about 70 degrees. Amid brightly colored streamers and blaring music, there were over 5,000 people waiting for the starting gun to go off. The runners got a 15 minute head start so they didn't have to navigate around the walkers. Once our starting shot rang out, our family foursome started off with the rest of the walkers at a steady clip. After mile marker number one I could tell our 16 yr. old son was feeling the need for speed. We gave him permission to run on ahead and told him where to meet us. Then there were three.

My husband, my 12 year old daughter and myself continued on at a leisurely pace. Afterall, I told myself, we were not in this to win, we just wanted to enjoy it. But my daughter's excitement was waning. She wanted her try at running up ahead too. We were about half way done. We gave her the go ahead and told her where to meet us. Then there were two.

At this point the runners had long passed us up, in fact, the winner of the race had already been decided. We walkers were simply trying to finish what we started. We were a diversified lot! There were able-bodied, handicapped, elderly, children, men, women, strollers, dogs. But the most inspiring thing I saw took place on the sidelines. Starting at about mile marker number 2 there were people sitting all along the road in their lawn chairs enjoying the sight. I marveled at their resilience to stay and watch the last of us finish this race. Their faces were still excited as they watched each one of us pass. Some of them cheered us on--"You're half way there!" "you're doing so good!" There were elderly people in wheelchairs waving their arms in encouragement, a hippie drum corps sending us "good vibrations", and even police men smiling and waving as we trudged by. The thing that inspired me was that these precious cheerleaders were stationed at places along the race route where they would not be able to see the outcome of the race. They would not see whether or not I ever finished, but they were there to tell me I was doing a great job and they believed I could make it.

My walk took on a steady determined gait as I gained strength and determination to not only finish this race, but to also be a loyal cheerleader for the people I encounter on life's path. Sometimes I may get the honor of being at the starting gate as people launch into new beginnings of their lives. Sometimes I may be on the finish line when people achieve goals they've set out to conquer. But other times I will have the honor of meeting someone in the middle of their journey where encouragement is probably needed the most. Although I may never know whether they make their final destination, hopefully my contribution will help nudge them in the right direction.

With this new resolve in place I could hear the crowds of people cheering as the walkers began to cross the finish line. I turned to my husband, grabbed his hand and we crossed the finish line together while our children,who had successfully finished before us, cheered us on along the sidelines. What a great day!